


HOW TO GET A HEAD

by ciannwn



Category: Robin of Sherwood
Genre: Gen, Hobbies, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-25 21:15:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17732807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciannwn/pseuds/ciannwn
Summary: Rhodri ap Rhys (Clun Headhunting Champion 1204 - 09)Translated by Val and Bill Douglas  (Fenris)





	HOW TO GET A HEAD

**Author's Note:**

> Rhodri ap Rhys (Clun Headhunting Champion 1204 - 09)  
> Translated by Val and Bill Douglas (Fenris)

1) First kill your subject. Remember that your trophy will be ruined by any wounds to the head.  
2) Remove head from carcass by cutting through the neck at a point midway between the third and fourth vertibrae. Always ensure that you have a suitably sharp and sturdy knife on you for this purpose because using an axe (or sword) can ruin your trophy.  
3) Hold head by the hair and swing it around until all the blood has been drained from it. (You are advised to make sure that you have adequate room in which to do this in order to avoid splashing any onlookers.) If the specimen is bald it can be swing round in a net so do keep one of these on your person for it is often impossible to tell whether or not a prospective subject has hair if he is wearing a helmet.  
4) You now have a choice of processes and uses for your prize -  
a) Extract brain, pickle the entire head and place it above your door lintel as a decoration. (Drawbacks here are that the head will soon start to smell if it hasn't properly preserved and it will also have a tendency to fall off the lintel whenever the door is slammed shut.)  
b) Extract brain and boil the head to remove flesh and skin for this will ensure that it remains odour free. It will now be in two separate parts, however, so the jaw must be secured by means of a length of sinew etc. Your trophy can still be placed above the door lintel if you so wish or, alternatively, impaled on a stick and planted in any convenient spot - alongside a garden path, at the edge of your moat, etc. (This too has its drawbacks, though, for many dogs find skulls irresistable playthings and will run off with them if they are within reach. Not only is it inconvenient to have to keep digging your trophies up (is this the origin of skulduggery? - Ed.) but too much damp earth will stain them indelibly.)  
c) Prepare head as in (b) with the exception of securing the jaw. Saw off crown just above the eye sockets then line and decorate it according to personal taste and means. (Gold and silver were traditionally used for this purpose but not everyone can afford precious metals.) You will now have an unusual drinking cup. It may not hold as much as a conventional ale mug, of course, but it will certainly prove a conversation piece at dinner.

Good hunting, then. And remember - a well taken, properly processed head will give a lifetime's satisfaction.


End file.
